Masturbation (sport)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Masturbation is a kind of sport. It is necessary to distinguish the amateur masturbation from sporting masturbation. First is most famous and mass kind of sport on the planet; competitions in this kind are not provided. Second is hard sport which requires a power, adroitness and self-control.
There are program of man masturbation and program of woman masturbation. Also there is professional sporting masturbation. Sport has an applied significance too.
Contents[hide] |
EditHistory
Amateur masturbation had appeared in the same time with Homo sapiens. Inclination to sport was part of man nature always. However, at that ancient time there wasn’t enough training apparatus ‘Kettler”, stone balls was not comfortable and combats always did bring to decrease of population. It was necessary to think out something simply, what was not required equipment. And so primitive man reflected by primitive mind and solved: if my hand can hold stick, it can hold joystick… By this way amateur masturbation had appeared. However, it was still a long way to sporting masturbation.
Masturbation as sport was created on the ground of competitions, which had a wide distribution among various nations and at various places. These competitions represent competitions when participant must piss on a wall higher than other participants. By this way leader of social group was recognized. For these competitions equipment was needed – a wall. Most famous walls are “Walls of Cry” in Jerusalem and walls of Pyramids. Chinese had build Great Wall, comparatively not high, but very long – because large quantity of Chinese. The last wall was Berlin wall. As time goes by the height of wall was becoming not enough; real professional can piss over any wall. There was attempt to build Babylon tower but it was destroyed. Then man went to masturbation.
EditMan’s program
Men compete in follow kind of program:
- Masturbation for speed (so-called Fast release)
- Broad release
- Weight release
- Shooting (in various complexes of exercises)
- Triathlon
In sport hall the women or those images mustn’t be during man’s contests (exception is one kind of shooting (see below). Curiously, at last time among sportsman-masturbators has appeared a lot of gays, which see to men and get inestimable advantage by this way. This problem is not solved still.
EditFast release
After of arbiter command “Ready” sportsman takes his (it is important!) penis and after signal begin to masturbate. Winner is who will have reached ejaculation quickly. Contests are provided as in mass start as in separate start. Fall start is punished: sportsman is removed from competitions. Two attempts go to the reckoning – by right hand and by left hand.
At last time in this kind of program hegemony of Japan and Chinese professionals is established. They can reach ejaculation before two or three movies by hand.
EditBroad release
Participant has three attempts, however one attempt is used usually, as even one takes off many power. In this kind of program is important to have a good self-control which allows making release at optimal moment. Earlier the time for attempt wasn’t limited. However, during competition for Cup of Europe at Vienna 1908, a famous sportsman Adolph Hitler is wasting for attempt 18 hours 37 minutes 39 seconds and WAF (World Automanipulation Federation) limited time for attempt to 2 hours.
Winner is who is shooting by sperm to the largest length
EditWeight release
Participant has only one attempt. Winner is recognized by deliberation of sperm portion on super precisely scales. In frames of this program self control is important too. Problem ofdoping becomes very relevant in weight release. By way of use forbidden medicines, sportsmen reach to super density of sperm; as a result the sperm has big weight under comparatively small volume.
EditShooting
Shooting has three varieties: shooting to circle target, stand shooting and “Running Wife”. When shooting to circle target sportsman try to hit by sperm to center of circle target from various distance. When stand shooting sportsman try to hit to flying small plate. Special attention is necessary to give such exercise as “Running Wife”. It is unique sort of program, where use of women is acceptably. Earlier in the face of sportsmen live women was running; at this moment live women is changed to image. Points are added for hits to some part of body: genitals, ass, bosom, mouth.
EditTriathlon
It is complex of fast release, broad release and weight release. Participant has only one attempt. Winner is recognized because sum of points. This kind of program is very hard tactically because sportsman has to do various things at the same time.
EditWoman’s program
Woman’s competition is provided like free performance with music, as personally as in command. There are two kind of performance – with or without dildo.
EditPersonnel program
During 15 minutes participant masturbate by hands or dildo. The arbiters appreciate: exactness and beauty of movies, artistry, hair-dress on genitals, and quantity of orgasms. Participant, who imitates orgasm, is disqualified immediately.
EditCommand program
Performance is same, but is provided by 8 sportswomen. Extra the arbiters appreciate synchronism of command’s movements including synchronism of orgasms.
EditTraining of sportsman
Training of sportsman is beginning at 10-12 age in youth clubs “Skilful Hands” (for men) and “Soft Toy” (for women). Sportsman-masturbator leads harsh and ascetic life. Contacts with representatives of opposite gender are excluded absolutely. It is clear, trainer give possibility to young sportsmen to do 1-2 coitus. After it sportsmen believe that coitus is miserable surrogate of left hand. It is forbidden to eat some food, which is recognized by WAF as doping. During process of training images of opposite gender are used but trainer fully consistent limits the use. A lot of sportsmen which show considerable promise were fired from sporting schools for visit to porno sites.
EditApplied significance
In any army and navy forces studies by masturbation are a part of obligatory training of soldier or mariner. In average formation soldiers are engaged by amateur masturbation; it is assists to physical and psychological alertness and makes better morale in collective. However, there are elite formations of warriors-masturbators. Commandos, who are trained is such formation can shoot in any situations and any weather conditions, neatly striking enemies by sperm. At harsh years of WW2 formations of warriors-masturbators got a unfading glory. In particular, at 1944 in France snipers of 82nd Detached Brigade of Masturbators (US Army) were striking 63 German tanks, closing up vision slit by sperm.
EditScandals of professional masturbation
Bean counter force sportsmen to make various mean actions. So, for example, during tour of famous masturbator and repeated World Champion (triathlon) Chuck Norris in Russia, somebody was showing to Chuck photo of nude Madeline Albright. It is clear the thin mind of sportsmen did not endured test and now Chuck is impotent. It is means finish of career.
Doping scandals are everyday occurrence among professional masturbators. For example, Bruce Willis is exposed in the use of cream and David Beckham in the use of nuts and celery.
EditTrivia
- George W. Bush is thrice-repeated champion of USA among students and now takes a part in competitions among veterans.
- Condolisa Rice in time of youth is used like target in program “Running Wife”
- NBC prepares TV-show “Do it yourself” where together with famous sportsmen-masturbators the stars of music and movie will be performed.
Nenhum comentário:
Postar um comentário